Reframe "Shouldn't I have accomplished more by now?" with me

 

It has been almost two years since I wrote my first post on this blog, 'New baby, New house, New semester... New plan to finish my first children's book.' And I'm here to report that the plan didn't really go to plan. The children's book is still not done yet, the desk has been dismantled and repurposed, the apartment has been moved out of, the almost 3 year old baby is expecting a sibling to arrive in the middle of next year-- and I still don't feel much more accomplished or confidant in my abilities or body of work than I was then. Shouldn't I have figured it out by now? Shouldn't I be done struggling so much? There are also plenty of other personal battles, like learning how to make my house smell nice, or figuring out how to get myself to wash my hair regularly, which I have still not managed to master either. Life is a lot more depressingly realistic than the grand ambitions for glory, polish, and prolificness that I harbor secretly in my heart.

I generally write in this blog as my most optimistic, upbeat self because, like Andy Pizza of Creative Pep Talk, I know need a Mama/Art Pep Talk and even if no one else knows what I need to hear, I can be that person--or force the 'Mama in the Mirror' to be that person for me. I often just want someone who understands where I am, what I am struggling with, and why it seems so hard, to take me by the hands, give me some tough love, and tell me that I can do it. 

It might not feel fun to say "look at all the other stuff that has happened in the past two years" when you still feel like you aren't where you want to be, but that is the truth. You have to be fair and give the reality of life enough credit for making outlandish and unspecific goals still feel far away, even after so much time. 

It isn't fun to say "but look what you did accomplish" when you don't feel like any of it is that good, and you still don't feel comfortable about being able to produce similar work or finish projects, but that is the reality of growth. Life isn't about growing into a perfect shrub on your own without ever being pruned! Also, plants don't grow that way naturally, so why would you? Growth happens haphazardly, here a little, there a little, poking out where there is the most sunshine, spontaneously as long as there is enough water. 

It isn't fun to say "but you aren't them" when it feels everyone else is growing the right beautiful way, and you just aren't. So many of us yearn to be a plant that we are not, to have the growth, journey, appearance, or fruit that we see someone else enjoy--but that is never going to happen. If you are a tree you will never be a zucchini plant. If you are a mint plant you will not grow like an ornamental shrub. The way you have been growing indicates what you are--your story, your strengths, your weaknesses, your realities are important tools for your personal journey, and if you stop trying to be something or someone you are not you just might find joy being what and who you are. 

It isn't fun to say "building relationships that last IS the most important thing" when you feel like you constantly distract yourself from the pain of working by focusing on social connections or letting people in your life come between you and your work--but what could be more important than a person to be loved? If you neglect relationships and make work the most important thing in your life, even if you find success, who will you share it with? If you finish your work it might make a difference in the world, but every minute spent building positive relationships with people, especially your children, WILL make a difference. 

I have spent a lot of time working on my book at the library in various states over the last two years while my husband or sister have watched my daughter at home. I look at the sea of books on the shelves, filling the building, and I think about how I am trying to finish one of those, and what is the point? What is one book among so many? Will any one even notice? Will mine measure up? Is it even worth it? That is when I get to reframe and refocus on what success is for me. A book is not successful by how far it reaches or how much money it makes, but by the positive impact it makes in the life of some actual person. As a mom I don't have to reach far to have a real impact, and I remind myself that all I can do is make something uplifting that I will be glad to give my daughter and her children. If I can do that I will be successful. If it happens to reach far and make lots of money than I will be glad too, especially because then more people might be positively impacted by my efforts to be uplifting and hopeful.

Your life is more than food, your body is more than clothing, and your purpose is much more than artistic skill and success.

Just take a deep breath, dang it. Do what you can, don't worry about succeeding or being the best. Just try. Just move forward, however you are able. It is ok to crawl, or turn around and walk backwards, or do a funny walk--and if you have to skip to move forward at all, then take every joyous leap and disregard whether others are disturbed by your enthusiasm, genuine or not. 

If you have to take a break to blog to yourself, while taking a break from trying to move forward, about how you try and fail to avoid thinking about the size of the gap between what you are able to do and what you feel like you should be able to do, then I say to you-- you are not procrastinating. You are doing what is most important. Now just and make sure to tell yourself a few of the true things I keep trying to tell myself, and continue on in the pursuit of imperfect progress. You can do this one you-sized step at a time. After all those are the only sized steps you have ever been able to take.