Mindset for Success amidst Struggles

        I was recently reminded that growth is a struggle, and not a straightforward struggle either, by diving into final art on my children's book. I have never figured out (or rather still haven't figured out) how to render a character on a background satisfactorily. I was able to ignore it during the earlier stages of this personal project, but now it has come back around to stare at me in the face. So I began to ponder the cyclical nature of conflict and growth so I could take a step back from being overwhelmed by how inadequate all my art skills suddenly felt. And here I will share what pondered in a self help article that is really more for me than for you, but hopefully you find it helpful as well.

Linear Growth Models

Although these are largely inaccurate, disappointing, and unhelpful, linear models for success and happiness in all facets of life abound. I've heard that the Greeks came up with the idea that time was linear, while the rest of the world viewed time as more circular, and that idea is the basis of basically all of western culture today. This is cool and all, but when applied to life and growth we end up with the 'Check-the-Box' mentality that equates external milestones with internal growth, which is just not always the case. Below are a few linear models I know, first hand, are not correct.

     These models may hold some measure of truth or reflect an aspect of the reality of life, but their error is in the idea of a definitive end, where there is Nebulous Success automatically available, or Complete Domestic Harmony with no bumps, or Sudden Perfection without any need for continued effort, study, or growth. This type of thinking perpetuates disappointment based on entitlement, nebulous goals, and 'the grass is always greener mentality. Even a correct cycle can become misleading when viewed as a list of boxes to be checked. However, it goes the other way too: a correct linear model can easily be expressed as a cycle.

Cycles of Growth

The beautiful thing behind the idea of cycles is how we EXPECT to re-tread the same ground, but with the added knowledge and experience that has come from previous repetitions. They say that the a man never steps in a river twice, because the man has changed, and so has the river. In this same way, a cyclical mindset brings us back to the same spot, facing a familiar task, idea, person, or circumstance--but it is not the same because we are not the same, and there is another depth that we never before saw. In coming face to face with such a thing again, we have a chance to try another approach, a different technique, or ask a new question--and discover something we did not anticipate from our previous attempts or interactions. 

Here are some cycle versions of the linear models I listed above.

These cycles can be freeing or oppressive depending on how you view them. If you are still stuck on the idea of Nebulous Success or one of the other greener-grass definitive fictional endings, it might take a bit of intentional brain training to find value in the journey of incremental growth. If you are set on perfection now (or even eventually during this lifetime) you are going to be disappointed. BUT if you focus on the joy of celebrating small wins, small improvements, new hills visited, or problems resolved, then there are endless sources of satisfaction for you to find in your daily life. 

Yes, the fact that it is a cycle implies that it keeps going and repeating, and if carry over linear thinking and your goal is the top, and you want it to be easy, and so you agonize and complain about how there is always another challenge to overcome or another muscle to work out--well then you miss the view!

I like to think about the cycle as a positive thing. It is comforting to me because I know I have more time to improve--if it doesn't work out as amazing as I hoped it would be, I know I will have another chance to try again and do a little bit better. 

It is work to maintain that sort of positive mindset, and I struggle with wanting to do it all RIGHT, which is the problem I ran into while working on my children's book. I dove into rendering the first spread, and I was struggling with the plants and the background (60% of the picture), so I moved onto another one so I could get more mileage and figure it out. That one turned out pretty good, but I didn't have the focus or guts to tackle the last few props, so that wasn't a win either. Then I moved onto another one, and it was going good-- the background was supposed to be flat! But I wimped out when I finally got to the background and the props--they made me feel all anxious because I just wanted to do it right and I just didn't feel my attempts were working! So I just left it and went to another spread, where I got to tackle some composition and character design stuff, and it was going good... UNTIL I got far enough to worry about rendering the background.... and I just crumbled.

But I picked myself up. I said, "My podcast mentors say master studies mixed with life studies is the fastest path to improvement! So I just have to do a few illustration background studies! And surely I'll figure it out!" I got through two days of this effort when I became completely overwhelmed by how the new digital brushes I was trying out weren't automatically working the way I thought they should! Which developed into NOTHING WORKS!!

So I went home to take a long break by writing an earlier draft of this to help work myself out.

And what I realized in writing for a while was THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO MAKE ART. Art isn't about being right! It is just about making, and in making we automatically express our human experience. It doesn't really matter how old we are, or what our technical competence is, or what we choose to create about--just creating is the important part. 

The pen or paint scribbles that my two year old makes are precious to me because she made them, and I keep them because they are an expression of her. The middle school comics my husband made are special because he made them, they don't have to be right or technically competent or even beautiful to be special to me. I remember learning about some German painting movements in college and seeing some prints from a German woman who lived through World War II--they were not necessarily beautiful, and the paintings weren't beautiful or technically amazing, but they were so incredibly powerful. 

So, I thought, if I can see the value in the creations of others when they aren't technically amazing or really even beautiful, why can't I give merit to my own attempts when they similarly fall short? Why can't I put aside my inner critic and just create and keep creating, even if I never become amazing or technically competent? Why not?

  If I view the steps in front of me like an adventure that will take me to new rooms to fill with my imperfect attempts then maybe I can let go of the idea of trying to be right, when I know there is no such thing. 

So I went back to my plan of doing a background master study or life studies every day. I have been confronted by my deficiencies (color, painting, digital brushes, rendering, general art anxiety), but I also have time to work on them, so I am going to use that time well. I am going to use the new tools until get used to them, and I am going to make scribbly stuff in black and white with greyscale washes in such multitudes that it isn't a problem anymore (yes all of these pictures were done after the melt down of August 22). And letting go in this intentional sort of way is really easing the anxiety I feel about not being a good artist. I'm excited to populate the posts on this blog with more loose stuff like this.

A Reason to Love the Journey

I am so grateful for all I have learned about cyclical growth from my efforts in writing, the visual arts, my marriage, and my faith. I honestly don't know exactly why I have such a positive growth mindset, or am so fast to talk back to negative thinking, but I am grateful for all the beautiful moments this mindset has opened to me. 

It is so rewarding to look back at really two, five, eight years to see the artwork I was making then--not because it was amazing, but because I actually made something. It is rewarding to run into some of the same conflicts again and again with with my husband and see how every time we grow a little bit more and respond a little bit better. It is so rewarding to come to know my Savior more deeply by regular worship, study, and effort. 

For me the journey is not beautiful because I am, of myself, more accomplished or grand, but because I have grown in my relationships, my understanding, and my ability to communicate what is important to me with those I care about. I get to see a little bit every day how my small efforts have built on themselves to become significant to help and uplift others. Remembering that its not about me, and my efforts are not to try and impress anyone that I am particularly amazing, takes the off pressure of trying to be perfect or even just right, so I can focus on what is really important--positively reaching people.

Join me on the journey, and embrace the little steps, the little victories, and look forward with hope for the little victories to come! Be excited with me for a life full of opportunities to grow until it ends, and we go Home to that God that gave us life.